nurulmuna yem nurul muna yem nurulmunayem
nurulmuna yem nurul muna yem nurulmunayem

04 November 2015

Self notes.

I used to want people to understand me many times. Repeatedly, over and over again. I want them to know how I truly feel. I want them to know that I have my limits. I want them to know I am less than perfect. But then, I'm not good in telling them want I want, I keep things to myself. Sometimes even I don't understand myself. So I stopped putting my hopes up in people and I just accept things the way it is. But still, I feel empty. I feel like I need to have a reciprocal relationship where I give and I receive. I struggled in that, making it my intention to find such relationship, where every time I failed I keep saying "good things comes to those who wait". And so I wait, and in the midst of searching and waiting I bruise a lot. In the end, all that's left of me are just bruises and scars that I'm ashamed of. How is it possible for anyone to love me with that? It is highly impossible. Unconsciously, I admitted that people will only love perfection but in reality, perfection did not exist. Then one day, I realized that all of the things that I hoped for were not based on a solid foundation. It was based on something fragile and something that constantly changes. I put my hopes in the heart of people, I seek for perfection in something that has its own flaws and far less than the perfection that I seek for.

"And We will turn their hearts and their sights," (6:110)

Something that is bound to change, something so imperfect that it shall not be the source of one's dependency. But few realizes that, very few wanted to accept the fact that humans are incapable to fill the gaps of another human's heart. So who shall be the one who completes us? Who knows what we need to complete the gap in our hearts?

The Creator of hearts Himself.

If your car is broken, you would go to the engineer right? Imagine that your car is from a very unique brand, and very few possesses that car. So who is best to fix it other than the creator itself? If you seek help from engineers of other brands, your car might get a very temporary fix. Or it might even got worse, and will be broken permanently.

The journey to The One, Our Creator is not easy, but it sure is a journey worth taking. If you protect your heart from anything other than Allah, and if you have even the slightest trouble while doing so, the reward for your patience would be tremendous. It will be the best investment, from The One who has the best interest in mind for His slaves, His followers.

"Surely Allah has bought of the believers their persons and their property for this, that they shall have the garden (Paradise); they fight in Allah's way, so they slay and are slain; a promise which is binding on Him in the Taurat and the Injeel and the Quran; and who is more faithful to his covenant than Allah? Rejoice therefore in the pledge which you have made; and that is the mighty achievement." (9:111) 

Allah is our One and Only resort. 

Even when people seem to complete you,
believe that it happens only in the mercy of Allah.

Even when the worldly materials,
your possessions, makes you happy,
believe that they are Allah's gifts for you.
And its pleasure is temporary and inconsistent.

Even when your time is filled with things you love to do,
believe that none of it brings you His blessings unless if you do it for Him.

Even if it won't benefit you in the akhirah,
you had done nothing except for what Allah
had allowed you to do, even without His blessings.
His allowance does not mean that He grants you His blessings.

Know that nothing is complete until you seek completion in Allah,
know that what you are proud of today is NOTHING without Allah's help.

When we strive to achieve His redha, His blessings,
it will be the best supplement to our heart.

My journey is still so far away. Trust me I stumble so hard at times. I always look back on my harsh past. Sometimes I repeat the same mistake, over and over again. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I believe that Allah will not let go of me, rather, I am the one who leads myself further away from Him, transfixed in the beauty that is shown in the world, by the pleasure it provides. But when He knows that I need to make my heart whole again, when He wants me to be back by His side, to let me fill my heart with His completeness, He will make me fall. And I will be in the most perfect position, to pray.

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