nurulmuna yem nurul muna yem nurulmunayem
nurulmuna yem nurul muna yem nurulmunayem

04 November 2015

Self notes.

I used to want people to understand me many times. Repeatedly, over and over again. I want them to know how I truly feel. I want them to know that I have my limits. I want them to know I am less than perfect. But then, I'm not good in telling them want I want, I keep things to myself. Sometimes even I don't understand myself. So I stopped putting my hopes up in people and I just accept things the way it is. But still, I feel empty. I feel like I need to have a reciprocal relationship where I give and I receive. I struggled in that, making it my intention to find such relationship, where every time I failed I keep saying "good things comes to those who wait". And so I wait, and in the midst of searching and waiting I bruise a lot. In the end, all that's left of me are just bruises and scars that I'm ashamed of. How is it possible for anyone to love me with that? It is highly impossible. Unconsciously, I admitted that people will only love perfection but in reality, perfection did not exist. Then one day, I realized that all of the things that I hoped for were not based on a solid foundation. It was based on something fragile and something that constantly changes. I put my hopes in the heart of people, I seek for perfection in something that has its own flaws and far less than the perfection that I seek for.

"And We will turn their hearts and their sights," (6:110)

Something that is bound to change, something so imperfect that it shall not be the source of one's dependency. But few realizes that, very few wanted to accept the fact that humans are incapable to fill the gaps of another human's heart. So who shall be the one who completes us? Who knows what we need to complete the gap in our hearts?

The Creator of hearts Himself.

If your car is broken, you would go to the engineer right? Imagine that your car is from a very unique brand, and very few possesses that car. So who is best to fix it other than the creator itself? If you seek help from engineers of other brands, your car might get a very temporary fix. Or it might even got worse, and will be broken permanently.

The journey to The One, Our Creator is not easy, but it sure is a journey worth taking. If you protect your heart from anything other than Allah, and if you have even the slightest trouble while doing so, the reward for your patience would be tremendous. It will be the best investment, from The One who has the best interest in mind for His slaves, His followers.

"Surely Allah has bought of the believers their persons and their property for this, that they shall have the garden (Paradise); they fight in Allah's way, so they slay and are slain; a promise which is binding on Him in the Taurat and the Injeel and the Quran; and who is more faithful to his covenant than Allah? Rejoice therefore in the pledge which you have made; and that is the mighty achievement." (9:111) 

Allah is our One and Only resort. 

Even when people seem to complete you,
believe that it happens only in the mercy of Allah.

Even when the worldly materials,
your possessions, makes you happy,
believe that they are Allah's gifts for you.
And its pleasure is temporary and inconsistent.

Even when your time is filled with things you love to do,
believe that none of it brings you His blessings unless if you do it for Him.

Even if it won't benefit you in the akhirah,
you had done nothing except for what Allah
had allowed you to do, even without His blessings.
His allowance does not mean that He grants you His blessings.

Know that nothing is complete until you seek completion in Allah,
know that what you are proud of today is NOTHING without Allah's help.

When we strive to achieve His redha, His blessings,
it will be the best supplement to our heart.

My journey is still so far away. Trust me I stumble so hard at times. I always look back on my harsh past. Sometimes I repeat the same mistake, over and over again. Sometimes I just want to give up. But I believe that Allah will not let go of me, rather, I am the one who leads myself further away from Him, transfixed in the beauty that is shown in the world, by the pleasure it provides. But when He knows that I need to make my heart whole again, when He wants me to be back by His side, to let me fill my heart with His completeness, He will make me fall. And I will be in the most perfect position, to pray.

13 August 2015

Keluhan pasca kekecewaan.

There are times, when you met people who say the darndest things. 
When they commented on your ways, your beliefs, your stand. 
It's like your heart gets ripped to pieces, stomped on.
Left in a toxicity that needs to be bleached out.
Who knows when you'll get better?
Only time.
And while you're at it, you'll learn.
You'll know how it feels to have your heart hurt.
You'll be careful to not to do so to others, to take care of their heart.
To be better than the perpetrator, not to repeat what they've done to you.

You'll know better.
And you'll be grateful.
Because you've made the pain worth the while.
Because you've acknowledged other people's worth.
So in return, your smile will be more genuine.

06 August 2015

They way you look at me.

"Antara perkara yang membezakan
perbuatan seseorang dengan 
orang lain adalah

Maka dengan itu, salah satu cara Allah membezakan seorang hambanya dengan hamba yang lain adalah melalui niat.

Assalamualaikum! Jadi, kali ni nak berbicara tentang niat. Sebab dah beberapa kali, aku akan selalu tergelincir disaat mahu melakukan sesuatu. Contohnya, kita akan buat sesuatu perkara tu sebab orang lain yang buat. Kita nak ikut trend, nak jadi macam dia, and niat tu sendiri dah lari sebab bukan nak kejar redha Allah. Scary kan? And rugi. Sebab banyak je benda yang kita nak buat dan kita boleh buat untuk dapat pahala, cuma kena ubah niat tu je. But mostly, kita tersasar sebab kita nak ikut orang lain. Sedih. Dan kadangkala disebabkan niat kita tu sendiri yang tak kukuh, perbuatan kita tu hancur lebur. 

Contohnya, arkitek A dan arkitek B. 
Arkitek A, niatnya untuk membina bangunan adalah untuk menyediakan kawasan yang selesa untuk ummah. Jadi niatnya yang utama, untuk Allah.
Arkitek B, niatnya untuk membina bangunan adalah kerana tendernya besar dan lumayan, jadi dapatlah dia mengukuhkan kedudukan ekonomi dia. Niat utama? Individualistik.
Kalau bangunan arkitek A runtuh, setiap usaha dia untuk membina bangunan itu kembali adalah pahala. Sama ada dia berjaya atau tidak, dia tetap akan mendapat pahala. Pada saat dia menanam niat itu sendiri sebelum berusaha pun, dia telahpun mendapat pahala. 
Kalau bangunan arkitek B runtuh? Dia cuma mendapat kerugian. Dan mungkin dia akan terus mengejar tender atau projek lain yang akan mendatangkan keuntungan yang tak pasti...

Jelas kan? Niat itu sendiri umpama insurans yang akan membuatkan kita selamat dan tetap utuh walaupun pada zahirnya semuanya musnah. Tapi kita ada Allah. Automatisnya, kita telah dijaga dari awal. Dan keuntungannya bukan pada Allah, tapi untuk diri kita sendiri ^_^

Jadinya. Refresh niat dalam setiap langkah kita. Bukan mudah, tapi ianya adalah usaha dan walau sekecil mana pun usaha kita, kalau kerana Allah, insyaAllah pada pandanganNya ianya amat bermakna.

Insya Allah. Yosh! Peringatan untuk diri sendiri, beratnya. Sebab dah tulis, kena lah buat. Jangan tak buat. Kalau tergelincir, ingatlah. You are not alone. He's looking upon us all the time :') 


04 August 2015

"Rise, not because you’re strong, but because He’s your strength."

Kadang kita yang merasakannya merasa lemas dan rimas.
Atau adakah kita terus memilih untuk lemah dan hanyut dalam rasa yang sebenarnya kita mampu untuk kawal?

Kerana bukankah telah Dia janji?
Laa yukalli fullahu nafsan illa wus'aha.
Allah tidak memberati seseorang melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. 
Al-Baqarah - 2:286

Sedih, bukan?
Namun bersabarlah hati-hati yang bergelora. 
Bersabar dan bertaubatlah akan yang telah lalu.


Ya rabbi, ampunkan aku.
Aku tahu, banyak khilafku. 
Hanya Engkau yang mampu menilai betapa besar khilafku.
Betapa banyak jurang antara apa yang telah Kau bataskan dengan perbuatanku.

Sesungguhnya hanya diriMu lah yang kami sembah dan tempat kami memohon pertolongan...
Moga Kau kurniakan kekuatan untukku lawan walaupun aku acapkali gagal dan tewas :'(

03 August 2015

You bleed just to know you're alive.

Wohaaa what's with the title? Nothing, ignore it. I've come up with a resolution to write at least 400 words in this blog, daily. Well, duh. Daily is my maximum goal, but someone wise once said,
Shoot for the moon, even if you fail, you'll land among the stars.
It's true right? Well even if I can't post anything, my drafts folder is full of, well, drafts. Heheh. I can recycle them! Hmm. Smart move. Well, I used to be scared to even set any goals on anything. But I finally understand when they said Allah's blessings are everywhere. Innit? Hahah. You might lose something, but you will gain something else. Pengorbanan. He will provide you with something better. And it could be that you did not even lose something that you think you've lost. It might be that Allah is actually holding it back for you and He'll give it back to you when you're ready. Just put your trust in Him, everything will be better. Whoa, saying stuff like that sure is easier than done, eh? But hey, no harm will ever come from being positive and optimistic :) 

The uni had been kind these days. I can breathe, I started to be more comfortable with my surroundings, and I vow to manage my time better. I made some cool friends. But there's one condition. No more doing useless things. I know, New Zealand man! Have fun once in a while! But hey, I came here to study. And to change myself. To make my dad proud. And NZ or not, you still gotta do what you gotta do, mate. Don't be selfish! *I'm basically giving myself a pep talk here, heh.* You're gonna go back and you have to be among those who put action to the word "change". The country, the youth. And I've met a lot of inspirational people here, mostly my seniors. They are so committed to do things for the better, they are selfless, they are very organized. How to be like that meh? There's so many things to be done but there is always room for improvement no? Yes. 

And who says being serious and growing up is no fun? 


*pandang jari sendiri*

Okay, gua dah matang. Nak nangis jap mengenang jahiliah yang bertapa dalam diri selama ini.

Bye assalamualaikum, 
See you tomorrow insyaAllah.

26 July 2015

The winds of change

The winter is ending, I can feel how the winds are no longer 
coming from the south.
The chilling winds that I had almost grew accustomed to.
The three months of winter is not as long as I thought it would be.
Just like everything in life.
When you thought that you have had enough of everything in life, 
all the question that haunts you and all the wrong decisions you had done.
It will end. That is the nature of everything. Good or bad, it ends.
The only thing that stays, is you and your mind.
Has it changed? Or has it not?
Are you the same person or are you better?
It is just amazing to think that the cold winter is actually 
preparing the earth for the beautiful flowers.
It's just around the corner :)

14 April 2015

Kia Ora, Haere Mai! - updated -


Almost two years ago, I was told by my lecturer about the opportunity to pursue my degree overseas. It seems like such a vague and naive dream of mine. But now, here I am. Di bumi Wellington. Struggling over assignments and tests, just like how it used to be during my diploma years. Tak tercapai dek akal kalau nak dikata, what am I even doing here? That's what I thought. 
But then, now it's my reality. Allah dah susun dengan indah. How lucky I am, ya Allah.

Subhanarabbial 'azimi wabihamdih,

My previous wallpaper, yang asalnya cuma sebagai impian yang suka-suka.
Tapi, semuanya bermula dari angan-angan dan impian, kan?

On August 2013, my dad sent an email to Professor Jonathan Newton, the Head of Programme for my programme, Second Language Education. And his optimistic response is the initial catalyst for me to start this journey. It all started during my 3rd year at KPTM KL, Semester 5. Our beloved lecturer, Miss Nida encouraged me and a few friends to grab this opportunity and up until now, I can't thank her enough :') At that time, Majlis Amanah Rakyat was offering eligible KPTM Diploma holders to further their studies overseas. And I was lucky enough to be selected, Alhamdulillah.

I almost thought I couldn't make it, but I got called in for an interview session. Just as I was about to go send my letter of appeal to get on the list. Afterwards, we were told to take a Psychometric test. I passed both, syukur Alhamdulillah. When I got the news, I started searching for a university, and knowing that none of my seniors further their studies at New Zealand, that's where I began my search. And after I received my Financial Affidavit from MARA, I sent the required documents to Victoria University of Wellington. Few weeks afterwards, I received an Offer Letter from VUW.

Then... I did my IELTS test. Was nervous the whole way and so so unprepared. But I got 7 if I'm not mistaken. Doesn't matter. Then I received the official offer letter from MARA. Though it was quite late and I need to process all the agreement letter within two weeks, but Allah made it easy. And my mom, well she is basically my rock. She guided me throughout the whole process, pushing me to get things done even though I made quite a lot of mistakes and even almost thought of giving up! But nahh. She didn't let that happen, not on her watch. Remind yourself to go and hug your mom after reading this afterwards. I miss mine toooo much.

Now that I'm here... It's not as bad as I thought it was. At first it was kinda hard to fit in, as my batch mates are younger than me and those of my age are in their final year. But the age gap is not the definition of everything, I believe so. I know everyone had their own level of maturity that can't be measured by age. Plus, it's such a petty excuse to complain about! I'm here for a reason, I have my own mission to fulfill, right? Most of my classmates during high school had either finished their degree or doing their Masters. But I guess, my time will come. I have a full diploma, and I'll have my degree soon. Some people don't even finish their high school. Plus, future arrangements can be done so I can continue my Honours or Masters here. Insya Allah, only time will tell. But I have to work towards that direction, and I can't let anything stop me. When I got my SPM results, I thought I was nowhere near this kind of achievement, to be here, to be writing this experience. I was on the verge of giving up, but I tried, again, because of my parents. My dad let me did Landscape Architecture because he knows I loved it so much. But when I couldn't do better other than gave up, he let me do other things. And I choose to do something that he loves, to teach. To continue his legacy. It starts with my success in KPTM, achieving the Presidential Award for my Diploma in TESL. And now, I'm continuing the dream here in Wellington. Failure after failure, I'm here now and I can never do it without my parents. They never gave up on me.. They were willing to spend any amount of money or time just to ensure that I'll be fine on my feet, and that's all I need. To know that they're there to catch me if I fall. I don't think I ever did anything, I think it's their blessings and dreams that made it for me. May Allah give them their blessings and safety, like they do now.

Dear Wellington. It's so hard to be thinking that I'll leave this place, but who knows, who knows. I certainly do not. But's it's Allah's best prophecy for me, written in the Luh Mahfuz. For me, this is where every puzzle piece of my life is completed. I'll never forget this place, even when I'm far away across the sea.